Things I’ve been told recently as a pregnant woman that have really pi**ed me off.

One

Me: “I’m feeling really tired at the minute”

Other person: “Just wait until the baby comes!”

Not in any way does this comment help. I know I’m going to be tired when the baby comes, I do not need this reassuring. I’m not floating through pregnancy with rose tinted glasses thinking it’s going to be a doddle. I am well aware it’s going to be difficult being completely responsible for a tiny human – but it doesn’t change the fact that I am feeling tired at the minute because I am currently, single-handedly GROWING that baby human. So leave off.

Two

Me: *Eating anything other than a piece of fruit*

Other person: “Aren’t you supposed to be eating healthily?”

Seriously. Just don’t. I am eating healthily. I am allowed a treat. There is no need for this guilt-inducing question. And don’t you then DARE follow this comment up with how much weight you put on in your own pregnancy. You know how hard pregnancy can be mentally so diet-shaming a hormonal, woman whose body is going through some inevitable changes that yours also went through is only asking for trouble. If you do this you need a smack.

Three

Other person: *being overly dramatic/soppy/weird about anything*

Me: *ready to cut all ties with them immediately because of hormones*

I’m having a baby. Yes it’s incredible but it’s also weird. So please please don’t start changing your attitude towards me because I need everything around me to stay normal whilst my body is doing the incredible but weird thing of growing a human. Just be normal.

Four

Other person: “Oh I think you need stop doing the farm jobs whilst you’re pregnant”

Me: *insert Tik Tok audio – ‘well who the f**k is gonna’ do it’*

I’m not bumping the bump. But I also have a partner who relies on me to help with the herd of cattle, the pigs, the dog and also my two horses whilst he works all the hours God sends to provide our lifestyle. I have tailored the jobs to make them safer but when you choose this lifestyle then there is no way you can just ‘stop’ doing the farm jobs. Unless you want your partner to combust, animal welfare standards to drop or your business to falter. So rather than telling me to ‘stop’ my jobs, why not offer to come and help? Right, didn’t think so. So don’t comment.

Five

Other person (not your partner): *telling me what my baby is going to do when growing up*

Me: *absolutely fuming*

This took me by surprise as I didn’t realise my maternal instincts had kicked in at this point. But the idea that somebody else was going to force my child to do something (it was something ridiculously small like making them go to piano lessons) sent my brain into a red swirl of anger. I had tunnel-vision and responded that there was no way my baby would be made to do piano lessons. But if they wanted to then they could.

Hormones are weird so just think before you start telling a new parent what you are going to make their baby do. It will not go down well.

Six

Other person: “You’re going too quickly buying baby stuff. I didn’t buy anything until I was at least 7 months. You need to slow down and just enjoy it.”

Me: “Well that’s you, but I am going to do me. And I enjoy baby shopping and organising the nursery”. So DO ONE.

Considering I am waddling around now like an obese, fleshy duck, I do not want to leave everything to the last minute and head out pregnancy shopping two months before I am due to pop. I am enjoying my pregnancy. It’s the most amazing thing my body is ever going to do. But if I like being organised and making sure I have everything in good time then that is for me to deal with. You don’t need to comment about it.

Seven

Other person: “HELLO BABY!” *whilst then rubbing my belly*

I’m sorry but if I did not invite you to touch my body, then 100% back the f**k off. It’s invasive.

I was conscious of my body before pregnancy and even though I am proud of it, I still get sore and bloated and I do not want ANYBODY just grabbing my baby bump. The most precious thing in my entire life is stored in that belly, MY belly. So unless you are explicitly invited, are my loving boyfriend who has a 50% claim to the baby or are a doctor/midwife, then do NOT touch me. Thanks.