I recently put a picture on my Instagram page of an evening hack with my pony, with the caption discussing how easy confidence was to lose and how hard it is to gain back. I wanted to dive into this further as 2019 has been a turbulent year for me and I can’t help but think that other people in a similar lifestyle to mine must either be experiencing or have experienced some of these issues before. I thought by opening up the channel and discussing elements of my rollercoaster 2019 journey, it may help others to do the same; leading on to hopefully other people starting to piece themselves back together.

So here we go.

There have been multiple factors which have influenced my loss of confidence: a horse-riding accident resulting in a broken wrist, an extended period of no exercise due to said wrist injury, drama in my family life plus a few extras variables mixed in.

The reason I had this nasty fall was because my horse of a lifetime had an extended period of rest (18 months in a paddock) due to a previous injury. Following this he needed a slow and steady introduction back in to ridden work. It was during this rehabilitation process that I realised (with immense difficulty and with the help of some fantastic professionals) that even though I loved this horse, we weren’t right for each other anymore. Increasing responsibilities at work and being on a private yard meant that my health and safety was paramount, and I just wasn’t experienced enough or had the time to deal with a horse like him.

Before my fall I always felt super confident in my riding ability. I had been given the opportunity to ride some beautiful hunt horses every weekend through work, as well as multiple friends letting me exercise their horses over the 18 months of rest. I’d spent the previous 2 seasons out with the Grafton and the Farmers’ Bloodhounds doing some amateur hunting, riding club training, galloping along the beach and exploring the English countryside with friends. After the fall and 6 weeks in a wrist cast, it was like every bit of confidence I’d mustered since I was 4 years old pottering around on school ponies had drained out of my body. I was a nervous wreck. I forgot what it was like to enjoy horse riding and in all honesty, I’m only just now starting to figure it out again now.

As mentioned, I spent 6 weeks with my left wrist in a plaster cast. I wasn’t allowed to drive and even the simplest of tasks (washing your hair, doing up buttons) became almost impossible. I felt useless and this transpired to my riding. I also used to frequently attended gym classes and weekly workouts, yet the cast limited what I could do. I struggled to do even low impact exercise, such as dog walking or yoga, as my wrist was set at a certain angle to help the break heal. If it got knocked or moved too quickly, it would hurt; this put me off trying. I put on LOTS of extra weight and gained a dress size. So not only did I feel useless, I was also uncomfortable because of my weight and limited in what I could do to keep it off.

You mix all this in with family drama and it’s a recipe for a meltdown. I’ve owned a horse ever since I was 10 years old and the equestrian lifestyle is what I know and love. So to actually be scared of getting on a horse was a nightmare. To help combat this I had to make some personal changes.

Change 1) As much as I loved having my own private yard, my current situation meant that the only way I was going to improve was to be around likeminded people. People that work full time, own normal horses and have normal, easy and down to earth ambitions. It was this that made me move Hartley to a yard that my friend owns. It’s small but peaceful and suits me perfectly and she completely understands my position as she also experienced a loss of confidence in 2018.

Change 2) Starting everything from scratch. I really tore myself apart over my riding ability which was cruel as I didn’t have any need to. The accident didn’t happen because I was a bad rider, just an out of practice one. To combat this I moved Hartley and completely started our training again. We repeated the long reining, mounting block training, slow transitions and steering. Once I felt okay with this we started trot work but I’ve only this month (September) made it into an open field and managed to trot – 6 months on from the original incident.

Change 3) Make some realistic goals. I have always been ambitious and love making goals and being able to meet targets. However, there was no way that either I or my pony were going to be ready to try some hunt rides this Summer. That was my original goal for 2019 and we haven’t done it, not even close. Instead, I took a step back and re-evaluated our position. Now, my goal is to get into the HUGE open field next to our yard that has a bridleway running through it and manage to canter without panicking, on our own and with another horse. If I can do this before Christmas then I will be happy.

Change 4) Work on self-love. I’m not going to preach about how successfully I am completing this change because it’s a definite work in progress. I’ve learnt to accept things about my body but there is still plenty I would like to change. I need to combine this with change 3 and start to make some realistic and healthy goals (such as doing couch to 5k or committing to a weekly class again). I’d like to hear people’s opinions on this!

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So there it is. I lost my confidence and I’m now on the long and twisty journey of finding it again. Horses are a massive part of my life and the fact I can now get on Hartley and smile makes the mud, poo picking and insurance bills worth it. Even if it is just for a calm and peaceful walk around the track.

If anybody has been in a similar situation or has any tips, I really would love to hear them. Thanks for reading and I hope that by being open, it may help somebody else who feels they are in a similar position.